Ever since I've been well enough in this pregnancy to think about what events I might want to plan to celebrate it, I've felt ambivalent about my options. Ambivalent about doing anything at all, actually. With two months until my due date, I think I've settled on just indulging this impulse toward solitude and reclusiveness. It feels weird, kind of inappropriate, but it's what I'm going with. As much as I usually thrive on friendship, sisterhood, bonding experiences, and so forth, my gut's telling me to lay low and withdraw from a lot of that right now. Maybe after my girl is born I'll feel differently, and there will be opportunities then to plan some kind of get-together. Or maybe I won't want to do that stuff even then. We'll see.
Preparing for this birth has been monumentally different from preparing for my first birth three years ago. I was ravenous for information back then, seeking out birth stories and birth videos and different approaches to pain management and all kinds of stuff in that vein. But this time, all my birth books have been gathering dust. It's easy to superficially blame the difference on being busier this time around than I was during my first pregnancy; the fact of that is true, but that's not really it at all. I'm more nervous about labor and birth (and the postpartum upheaval) than I was my first time through it. I haven't known how to acknowledge that fear, or process it, or eliminate it, so I've kind of ignored it and hoped for some outside intervention to help me make sense of it.
Last night, I cracked open my favorite book about birth, Birthing from Within. In the first chapter, expecting mothers are asked to find their question. "For each woman, the most important thing she needs to know will be different. I would encourage a mother to ask herself, 'What is it I need to know to give birth?' Her answer must be found within, not given to her by an expert. Each mother needs to find her personal, heartfelt question."
Continuing: "Knowing your personal question is central to birth preparation. Whatever your question is, leave no stone unturned: ask your question often and look at it from every angle until your conscious mind is exhausted, and your heart is receptive to answers. Don't limit yourself to a superficial question like, 'What should I expect ...?' If someone else can answer your question -- you're not going deep enough."
I pondered on this idea last night. My first idea was the question How am I going to do this??? With multiple question marks, for sure. Not the most precise question out there, but hey, it's honest. And it's urgent -- this question has no chill.
To make it a little more productive, I've rephrased the How am I going to do this??? question to instead be How am I going to feel safe in labor and birth and afterwards? I think that's the heart of my question and, also, my nervousness about the whole prospect of my second birth. The fact is that I'm not feeling safe. Part of that comes from memories of my son's birth, which was going so so well until it wasn't. I think the bigger thing though, honestly, is that I'm giving birth in a hospital this time around, and no part of me wants to be doing that. It's the only thing that will work financially, so I'm doing it, but other than the money aspect, there's not a single pro I can add to the pro/con list. It's just not what I want.
So my question is this: How am I going to feel safe in labor and birth and afterwards? What can I do?
